Taking the bull by the horns and taking back my life.

Where do I start? I am twenty three years old, I have a beautiful little girl, two wonderful step children, an amazing husband, and live in one of the most beautiful states I have ever laid eyes on, Alaska. I am surrounded by everything that should make me happy yet, I am completely miserable. I am unhappy with myself and no matter how hard I try to prevent it, it spreads to all aspects of my life.
Lets go back to 2004. I was your average always on the go nineteen year old. I was very happy with my life. I felt comfortable in my own skin and my confidence just couldn't be stopped. At that time I weighed 130lbs. That December right before Christmas I found out I was pregnant. Even though I was so young I was excited.
The first four months went great except for having a super creepy doctor who seemed more interested in my personal life then my pregnancy. After that I started to just pack on weight. Sometimes up to twenty pounds in a month. My doctor said I must be eating all the wrong foods and way to much of them. He wouldn't listen when I told him I was eating what I was supposed to. At month eight I switched doctors.
First thing she did after looking over my chart was take my blood pressure. It was through the roof and had been for a while even though I was never informed of that fact. Then she had me do the blood test for gestational diabetes, which should have been performed months earlier. I guess my first doctor was to distracted to remember to give me a test that all women get early in pregnancy. Sure enough I had it. Which meant I should have been eating completely different the entire time and she told me that was the cause for the high weight gain. So with that combined with the hypertension it was bed rest for me the remaining time.
My daughter was born August 17th. I left the hospital weighing 215 lbs. An 85lb. weight gain that could have been far less if I had only known, one I have not been able to lose. For the longest time I blamed my first doctor for being unhappy with my weight. Maybe for a little while that was ok. My daughter will be four this August. Its time to stop blaming others and start taking the blame myself.
I have tried every diet I have come across to try and lose the weight. Like many other over weight people I know I have said "Oh they just don't work". Looking back at my attempts however I realize the failure is more on me. I give it my all at first, get some results but then slip back into my old ways of eating whatever I want. In all reality I can't blame anyone other than myself. Who else can change my life?
Of course I haven't thought like this for long or I would probably have already lost the weight. I have just had enough and I want my life back. I am not saying that you can't have a life if you are over weight. But in my case I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror. I can't wear the clothes that I want, I am not able to keep up with my kids from lack of energy, physical activities with the family such as hiking are almost impossible for me, and I feel uncomfortable going out and dancing or having fun because I don't want anyone to see me. My blood pressure still boarders hypertension and I am told lose weight or go one pills. At twenty three I shouldn't be faced with that option.
Probably one of the biggest problems is my marriage. No its not that my husband says he wants me to lose weight or that I disgust him. He says I am beautiful and he loves me just the way I am. It's me. In being unhappy with myself I have pushed him away. I can't understand why it doesn't bother him the way it does me. The physical part of our relationship has almost completely disappeared because I do not want to ever be undressed. I want this back. I want to be happy enough with myself to enjoy our life together.
Do I think that losing the weight will instantly make me happy again? No, I am not naive. I know that my depression is more than likely rooted deeper than that. But to me since my weight is the biggest problem that I have with my self image, then its a good place to start. I don't know that I will ever see 130 lbs. again and its not about that. As long as I can look at myself and be comfortable again then I don't care what my weight is.
This blog is my attempt to do this myself. Taking all that I have learned about losing weight and putting it to use. I will be blogging daily with how it is going and what I have ate. I'll post pictures of my progress to share with everyone. By blogging I feel that I have something to answer to and hope it will keep my efforts strong. Maybe someone will be able to reach their weight loss goals by reading this as well.
I will be tackling other aspects of my life and appearance as well during this experiment and sharing the results received and by which products. Thanks to my beautiful little girl I have a lot of stretch marks, or as I like to call them battle strips. Which I want removed. This will be one of the first of many other things on my list. So if anything maybe I can find that one removal cream that actually works and be able to help others that way.
I am starting it all tomorrow. July 28th. I look forward to hearing from everyone and seeing what results I can achieve. All I have to remember is that I CAN do this!